Differences in personality attributes is a core problem in our relationships

I created this newsletter to provide tools for people who wanted to heal their broken relationships. We all need new tools to continue to improve our world, starting with our closest relations. Our world is so polarized today that we all need the help we can get.

One of the core factors behind the polarization (and our broken relationships) comes out of one of the five key personality attributes, openness to experience and change. We humans are on a continuum on this variable. Those who are the most open to experience (and most eager) comprise the progressive end of this spectrum and those who are the least open are on the conservative end of the spectrum.  No wonder we keep talking past each other!  We are coming from different perspectives and can’t understand why the other is the way they are.

Sometimes it seems like those on the progressive end of the spectrum sound like they want to burn everything down (and I guess there are a few anarchists who do). But mostly, they are about identifying what the problems are and trying to fix them. On the other hand, while conservatives may sound like they want to return to an idealized past, mostly they want to not lose what they have already.

Our polarization all comes down to that one personality attribute, which is formed in childhood. We are never (well, probably never) going to change our underlying personalities, so we need tools to deal with the variability we find among us humans in our relationships.

Adam Grant gave some relevant advice in his book, “Think”, which I shared in a previous newsletter (link). He suggests that when talking about change with someone who is not open to new experiences, we should also talk about the things that won’t change.  Since I have written about it, I’ve realized that’s condescending.  There’s nothing wrong with being fearful of change, we need people who are fearful of change to sound a warning before we perform an irrevocable act. They may be seeing things we don’t see, and we need to learn from them before we act, not after.

Unfortunately, conflict entrepreneurs (link) on both sides use those fears. One side feeds those fears, amplifying them, while the other side dismisses them and worse, puts people down for them. We need to counteract those divisive forces any way we can, especially in our relationships.

This makes me recall a conversation I had a while ago with a friend of mine about a young relative of hers who decided that they weren’t really female.  We talked about my friend’s  observations about the relative, how she wanted to maintain a relationship with the relative but didn’t know how, and her concerns about the dangers of a transition too early. I tried to listen first, and not insert myself (a tool I talk about in this newsletter). After she had said her piece, I shared my own observations. We didn’t criticize each other, we shared from our own hearts.

We didn’t solve anything, but we were able to talk about a touchy cultural issue in a respectful way that maintained the relationship. She got to talk about her fears and concerns, and I got to say mine. I understood her more clearly afterwards and maybe she understood me better as well.

Without deliberately doing so, I was implementing the Ask, Listen, Affirm, Respond (links embedded), method that has become the core tool of this newsletter.  I guess I have internalized it to such an extent that I didn’t realize that I had done at least some of it successfully until now.  But what I didn’t do is name her emotions, as I suggest in this newsletter. (link)

I believe that by allowing her to express her feelings and especially her fears, hopefully, she felt understood and that someone cared. For myself, I’ve learned that talking about fears can reduce them. Unspoken, they loom like a boogie monster, growing larger and larger and running around and around in your head, but bringing them out into the open can make them feel more rightsized.   We also helped to build our relationship by being able to talk about our fears.

The more we work to bridge the gap in the personality attribute of openness to change, the more we will be able to mend our relationships, and, eventually, heal our country.