Do you like change?

The degree of comfort with change is one of the core differences between people. It is one of the big five descriptors of personality.

How do you feel about change? How about the people you find difficult to talk with? How do they feel about change?

Chances are that one of the major reasons why you’re disagreeing is because you have different feelings about change. Some people seek out change, are always looking for the next big thing—the latest interesting restaurant or food or fashion trend. Instagram feeds on this. But others prefer the tried and true; they like when things are predictable.

These differences play out in every aspect of their lives. Those who crave change are more likely to be liberals or progressives. Those who crave sameness tend to be conservative. That’s a key element of being conservative—they want to “conserve” the past.

These differences arise out of each person’s worldview. Conservatives tend to view the world as a dangerous place, and they feel safer when they stick to what they know. The environment they grew up in was probably more unsafe or at least not as prosperous. On the other hand, liberals tend to view the world as a safe place, and they are inclined to “fix” what they see as wrong.

The news media have learned how to activate the hot buttons for each group. The liberal-leaning media focus on the latest thing that liberals crave; the conservative media feed the fear of change that conservatives hold. Each set of media amplify the tendency of their audience —they don’t create it; it is pre-existing — but they make it more prominent. That’s how they attract and hold onto their audience. When we didn’t have as many different news sources, TV shows played to the middle and didn’t strengthen fears or the craving for newness. But now that we have so many choices, this is expected. If a particular source doesn’t do it enough, doesn’t feed its audience what they’ve come to expect, then their audience will seek out another media source that does.

Further, some liberals play on the fear of change that conservatives hold. It’s evident in some of the slogans, such as “Defund the police.” When you ask what the slogan means, you find out that it doesn’t mean that there shouldn’t be any police. The explanation I’ve heard is that it means diverting some police funding to funding to other solutions to resolve violence. Now, slogans are by nature imprecise — it’s hard to pack a lot into a few words and they seem to take on a life of their own (see my previous newsletter about slogans here), but it seems some progressives delight in igniting the fear of change.

So, what does that mean if you’re in a fractured relationship that has a difference in perspective on change at its root?  

First, consider your own comfort with change. If you’re someone who craves change, own it! That’s you.

Second, consider what things you don’t want to change. What things are you taking for granted? Or what things changed that you wish hadn’t? My favorite bread just got discontinued by the store that carried it. I wish I could still buy it. Do you have something like that in your life? Use that perspective to try to empathize with their point of view.

Third, consider whether you do anything to amplify someone else’s fear of change. If you do, stop it! That’s not productive, especially if you want to mend the relationship.

Fourth, if you’re talking to someone who is less comfortable with change than you are, try to emphasize the ways things won’t change. Adam Grant talks about that in his book, “Think Again.” He says “Research shows that when people are resistant to change, it helps to reinforce what will stay the same. Visions for change are more compelling when they include visions of continuity.”

How does that apply to mending fractured relationships? If you’re talking about the changes you wish to see in the police, one way is to find an example that illustrates what it would be like if the change happened. I’ve been reading about how the police in Camden, New Jersey, and in Rochester, New York, made some changes that worked. Get concrete and specific. That should alleviate some fears.

Adam Grant adds, “Although our strategy might evolve, our identity will endure.” Use that, too. Emphasize that we will still be the same people.

Finally, if you can engage someone in a change effort, that can help alleviate fears. And if you do that, you’ll probably get much more acceptance of the change than if you don’t.

On the other side, if you’re the one who is less comfortable with change than the other person, ask them what things would stay the same.

Let’s deal with change productively and not ignore the discomfort that others feel.

I am getting close to being ready to put my next book into the world, which will based on the material in this newsletter. If you would like to be an early reader, please let me know by emailing me here. No obligation, but I would greatly appreciate feedback.