Why talking across the political divide is so hard

As we are heading into an election season, I am rerunning posts that I think might be helpful. Here’s the first one.

I recently had an “Aha!” about one reason why we might be having such a hard time making progress in bridging the divide.  I think we might be suffering from “learned helplessness” about the conversations that we need to have. It seems like nothing we do makes a difference, so we give up trying.

The original research about learned helplessness came about in the 1960s with dogs.  Here’s a link to the Wikipedia article that describes the research. It notes the depression that the dogs exhibited. Are we all depressed about the prospects of having better conversations with those we love because we haven’t done it yet?  Do we have learned helplessness about our relationships?

But if nothing changes, nothing changes.  And if you keep doing what you have been doing, you will get what you’ve always got.

This newsletter is about overcoming any learned helplessness. It’s about finding a tip or a tool that you can try to see if it works. Lots of stuff is being written by people who have tried these tools, I try to sort through some of it and pass it on to you.

But here’s some tips on getting past the depression or learned helplessness. I realize now that I have had that depression about one particular relationship, but I have gotten over it, or at least are getting over it. I’ve been applying some of these tools and making changes. Here is what helped me.

• have a tribe of support, people who you can talk to about the problem and strategize with

• use other people who have made changes as role models

•  pick one thing to try – a small thing

• use your support tribe for trying the new thing, practicing it with them, discussing it with someone right before and right after (bookending)

• celebrate small wins with your tribe.

If you have other suggestions, things that have helped you,  please reply in the comments.