What is your desired outcome for a conversation?
The premise of this newsletter is that, if we change our behavior, we can help heal relationships that have become difficult.
This raises the question about the individual conversations that comprise our relationships: what do we want out of a single conversation?
We often have unrecognized desired outcomes for conversations, things we don’t know about ourselves, things we do without thinking about it. In order to heal our relationships, we need to become more self-aware about our conversation style.
The people I find the easiest to talk with are those who are clear (or ask questions to become clear) about what the desired outcome from a conversation. They say things like, “I just need to vent” or “I need another perspective.” They ask questions like “What do you want me to do, just listen or give you feedback?”
I’ve brainstormed a list of potential outcomes that I have observed (both in myself and in others). Some of these are obvious, but some aren’t. And if we have multiple desired outcomes, they may be in conflict. I think about an email I got from someone asking me to do one thing, but also criticizing me for something else. If you really wanted me to do that thing, why did you include a criticism? I was confused by the different motives.
Here’s my list. I haven’t judged the motives, just listed them.
To exhibit dominance
To control
To vent
To process
To get feedback
To be heard
To take up space
To make a connection
To convince someone to do something
To make ourselves feel superior
To brainstorm
To speak your truth
To feel powerful
To get advice
To provide support
To show appreciation
To understand
Which ones of these apply to you? Have you had mixed motives that may have been confusing? Which ones will help in mending fractured relationships? Are there any you have that you think you should get rid of?
“What do you want me to do, just listen or give you feedback?”
For me, this is the biggest one. For years I was ready to jump in and come up with all sorts of options (in my mind, answers), and all the other person wanted was for me to listen. I ask this question all the time now.