How can we have a "Healing Thanksgiving"?
Can we do it with grace?
I’ve done another newsletter about Thanksgiving that takes a different approach, so check out both of them. The most recent one is here. And to get more tips from me about how to talk to people in a more graceful manner, subscribe.
Below is the one from 2020.
A conservative friend of mine tells me the only way her family has managed to not yell at each other is to totally avoid politics at holiday dinners. She knows she’s more conservative than her nephews and nieces and makes a point to tell them she loves them. But she’s frustrated because she wants to talk about things that matter, and avoiding these topics feels broken to her.
What can other families in a similar situation do this Thanksgiving? I posted this question in several Facebook groups and got very emotional responses. Most people suggested excluding people they disagree with. Politics is a particularly raw subject right now, so I agree that no one should talk about politics itself this particular Thanksgiving.
But what we can talk about are the values that are important to us; the values that lead to our choice of political leaders and political parties. I’m hoping that we’ll come to understand each other more and appreciate each other more if we can do so. And that we can change the conversation.
What would that look like? Here are the steps I suggest, which are drawn from the suggestions in my book, Persuade, Don’t Preach: Restoring Civility Across the Political Divide. You can’t start on the day itself; you need to prepare by understanding what those values are. I suggest reading either my book or Jonathan Haidt’s book, The Righteous Mind. If you don’t have time to read a book before Thanksgiving, this site provides a quick primer.
Think about the family members you most want to maintain a relationship with and which ones you have a chance of having a civil conversation with. What are their political leanings? Are they conservative or liberal? If they’re different than you are, read up on what values they’re likely to have. Spend some time thinking about the relevance to you of the different values that people in those groups have. To clarify, we all have the same underlying values; they just take a different form and we give different importance to them depending on our political identities. Perhaps if you spend some time thinking about how you yourself express your different values, you’ll start to feel more familiar with them.
Once you’ve done that, tap into your innate curiosity. What are you curious about? What questions do you have? How can you phrase your questions so they’re honest questions rather than accusations? Here are some questions to get you started.
If the person is conservative:
1. Confirm that they feel being an American is important first. Then you can ask, “What parts of being American are the best? What do you do that expresses how important being an American is for you? What makes you the proudest of being an American?”
2. A different value to focus on is respect for authority. Again, confirm that this is important to them. This is touchy because it might bring up the presidential race, but you can ask about how important they feel it is to have a strong leader. DO NOT BRING UP THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE. Instead, ask what do they feel the benefits of having a strong leader are? How do they know whether the person is good leader or what qualities make a good leader?
If the person is liberal:
1. Ask how they decide what’s fair and what isn’t. Do they favor the equality form of fairness? Do they believe that people deserve more if they work hard? Or work for longer? Do they see a role of fairness in making up for previous ill treatment. For instance, if a court imposes a fine, should the money go to the wronged party? (Stay away from slavery reparations or affirmative action, as that is getting too close to politics.)
2. Ask them about who deserves our care and compassion. Is it everyone, or do they make a distinction for friends or relatives? For example, would they be as likely to lend money to a stranger as to a friend? Would they do a favor for anyone who asked or only some people in their lives?
On the big day, set the stage that things are going to be different. Say something like, I want to talk about things that are really important to all of us but that we never talk about. Acknowledge that talking about politics is too difficult and too raw but that it is important to talk about the differences that are behind the division. Say you want to explicitly talk about the values that drive our differences.
Then ask the questions you’ve prepared. And listen. Listen with a new ear, one that is attuned to the values you’ve uncovered. Express appreciation that the other person is telling you what’s important to them and (if you can) tell them you admire them for having these values. Tell them the ways that you use the same values. Don’t try to convince anyone of anything. This is plenty for one day — a day that is supposed to be an important and enjoyable family holiday. And of course, only do this if you really care about the people you’re talking to and can do it without getting upset.
If you offer a grace on Thanksgiving, here’s an idea for a prayer of Thanksgiving that encourages people to look for commonalities:
Thank you, God, for the founders of this country, for the people who had the vision and courage to take the risk to come to a new place. Thank you for the bounty of their harvest and the peace that the Pilgrims and the Native Americans had on that day that we commemorate today. And thank you for the people who labored for years to make the vision of America a reality, the ones who did the backbreaking work of tilling the land and building the cities. Help us to appreciate the varieties of work that are required to build a strong country and help us to appreciate each other as we each play our part in creating the future. Amen.
Note: If you are dealing with COVID-19 deniers and want some tips on how to deal with that, please see the previous post. Also subscribe to keep learning tools and tips.
Second note: If you aren’t gathering with others this Thanksgiving because of COVID-19, these techniques can work almost anytime. If you want some help with a situation, please contact me via my website.