Don’t give advice

If you have a relationship you would like to mend, ask yourself whether you might be trying to fix them? Do you spend your time with them giving them advice on how to overhaul their lives?

I am talking about saying things like,” throw the bum out”, “You should look for another job” and “I wouldn’t put up with that.”

That last one is particularly problematic, because it is really critical and judgmental.  You actually don’t know what you would put up with in a similar situation.  Think about how you would feel if someone said that to you and how it would affect your relationship.

Here’s a radical suggestion if you really want to repair that relationship: STOP!
Stop giving them advice.

Why does this matter?  It’s because by giving them advice you are implying that they aren’t capable of solving their own problems.  You are implying they are incompetent and saying that you are more competent than they are. Instead, if you want to build a relationship, help them feel more competent.   

Plus, how do you know the best solution for their problem?  You can’t know what all the factors are, the total situation. Only someone in it can know.

You need to learn to accept them and love them as they are. Not as you wish they would be, not as a means to making them change, but exactly as they are.

Would not giving advice mean that you don’t care about them? No.  It might mean that you care more, depending on what else you do.

I don’t mean to stop talking to them.  Instead, I suggest you listen to them more.  I’ve written about listening here.

That doesn't mean you can’t ask questions.  If someone is complaining about something, you can ask questions to help them talk about, and get a perspective on their problem.  Some good questions are:  “what do you think the cause of the problem is?”,  “ What things have you tried?”  “What other solutions have you thought about but not tried?  Why?”

Other questions can be found in my post about asking questions.

Finally, if you just can’t contain yourself, you can ask:  Do you want feedback or do you just want me to listen? 

If they want feedback, you ask, “What have you tried so far?”

If they don’t, you can end by saying, “I am sure that you will find the solution that works for you.” When you express confidence in them, then their confidence might expand!  And that makes the relationship between the two of you stronger.

As for myself, I have gotten to the point where I don’t give advice and I am able to listen. Once I was able to say, “I am sure that you will find the best solution”.  I vow to do it again!

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