Dear Karen,

Dear Karen,

I am writing to you because I think of you as the 21st equivalent of Dear Abby for relationships that are impacted by politics.

I have a problem that I hope you can help with. My husband and I have been members of the same church for decades. We raised our children in it, and I have many friends I’ve met through the church.  I guess I’m lucky, because unlike some other churches I hear about, my church is trying to be welcoming for all, but it isn’t working for me. That’s because my husband and I are Republicans and most other members aren’t. The minister says the right things from the pulpit, but then things happen that don’t fit. I’ll give you a couple of examples. The minister sent out a link to an article from the New York Times to be used in a Bible study and the headline was critical of Republicans. It was supposed to be a Bible study! I didn’t feel comfortable attending that so-called “Bible” study!

Another example: A young woman who was on the social justice committee was talking about what she learned, and she ended her talk saying, “I hate them” (meaning the people who say racist things). Aren’t we supposed to hate the sin and love the sinner? That doesn’t feel very Christian!

I’ve been talking to a friend of mine who I know from church who is also a Republican, and she says similar things. She has a group of friends that she hangs out with, who she met when they were raising their children together. But they start talking politics, and she shuts up. She’s afraid to say what’s true for her.

We’re both thinking about leaving the church. I am sure I can find a church that I would be more comfortable with, but that doesn’t feel right to me. I’m sure if we could really talk about issues, we wouldn’t be that far apart, but I feel like I can’t. I feel shut out.

She’s already talked to the minister about her issues, and I am about to.  What can I say?  What can the church do?

Signed, One foot out the door

Dear One Foot,

Kudos to you for wanting to find a way to stay. Many people would already have gone. I often read stories of people who’ve already left their church either because the pastor has taken a political stand or the other congregation members make them feel unwelcome because of different politics. 

But staying is going to require courage. I get the impression you’ve been hiding, hiding what you really feel and believe. In order to stay, you’re going to have to come out into the open.

I believe that staying is important. The more we create bubbles composed only of people who agree with each other, the more likely we are to experience conflict. We need to learn to talk to each other in respectful ways. These are new skills we need to learn.  

I had something like that happen to me. I had an issue with my faith community a while ago about the type of work I did at the time.  What I learned from that experience is that faith communities (or indeed any community) need to be a safe space for people to say what they really feel. When I run workshops, I ask people to brainstorm a list of what would make them feel safe. The list often includes things like each person speaking from their own experience, no criticism, confidentiality, accepting the other person as they are, and listening in tongues (allowing everyone to speak in their own language and doing your own interpretation of what it means).

In a polarized environment such as the one we’re in now, Essential Partners, a group that works in this area, has similar suggestions. People should: speak personally, not as a representative of a group; share stories about ways their life experience shapes their values; express hopes, fears, values, and assumptions; talk about uncertainties and complexities; discuss how their assumptions shape what they value and believe; and try to broaden the range of experiences and information that they pay attention to and share with others.

So, my recommendation is to ask the pastor to go beyond just stating from the pulpit that it doesn’t matter what your political party is and to lead the congregation in doing the hard work to create a safe space, a space where everyone is welcome. Essential Partners is also available to consult and for training. I can also lead workshops and retreats on this topic.

I also recommend getting to know the other side’s values, as I talk about in my book, “Persuade, Don’t Preach,” so we can talk to each other in ways the other side can understand. And get yourself a partner or two that will help give you courage.

To those readers who hang out in their bubbles: How welcoming are you to people you disagree with?  Are you part of creating a safe space or do you talk mostly to people you already agree with? What can you do to become more welcoming to others not like you?

And if you have a problem with a relationship because of our cultural divide, please let me know. I’d love to hear about it, and maybe I will have an idea for you to try.

Good luck!