You might have run into a taboo

We are dealing with tough issues today, issues that affect our lives but are difficult to talk about.

This can reflect that we have taboos that our society has developed. If we know how to deal with a taboo, that can help us overcome it.

According to Daniel Shapiro, author of the book Negotiating the Non-Negotiable, taboos have three parts: “a prohibition, a punishment, and a protective significance “. The first two are self-explanatory, but the third one deserves more explanation. Taboos serve a role in the society that they are part of, they protect you from dangers, including the danger of the society falling apart.

We run into problems in conversations with taboos when we are unaware of them, we fear talking about them or we just don’t have a way to talk about them. The first step to solve these problems is to become aware of the taboos that the people we are talking to have, or that we might have. Sexuality is a major source of taboo topics, including homosexuality, abortion, and gender identity.  

If you run into a taboo in a conversation which you feel you must have, here are the steps Shapiro suggests:

·       establishing a safe zone for the conversation, where you clarify your purpose,

·       get consent from the other side for a conversation,

·       get agreement to explore the issue (and not make any commitment on how to deal with it)

·       and reaffirm your own morals (to yourself!).

Once you’ve gotten past those, then you can have a conversation about the taboo itself. To do that, Shapiro suggests identifying the pros and cons of the taboo (who benefits from it and who is hurt). For homosexuality or gender identity, the people who are hurt might seem obvious to you, but those who benefit might not be as clear. If the taboo is a unifying theme for a group, that benefit that might be invisible to someone outside.  

Then you can move on to what would happen if you chiseled down the taboo. This has essentially happened for homosexuality, when gay marriages became legal. Who benefited from the reduction of this taboo and what was the cost? Who was harmed? Identifying those will help you in the conversation.

Finally, he suggests that you can think about and talk about what would happen if the taboo was removed.

Understanding these steps is crucial if we want to have productive conversations on these difficult topics.

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