You can’t solve someone else’s problems

I run into people who pride themselves on their creative solutions to other people’s problems and are then disappointed that their friends and loved ones don’t follow their advice. Or are upset when their suggestions don’t work.

We can’t solve other people’s problems for them. We can never know all the details, no matter how much we try to ask questions. We can’t get inside their heads. Our ideas may not work.

Plus, by trying to solve other people’s problems, we are sending a message that we don’t think they are capable of solving them. Furthermore, if they lean on other people to solve their problems then they will never develop their own ability to find solutions. We keep them from maturing, from being able to solve their own problems.

We do this because we care about the person but don’t realize that we are causing harm.

What can we do instead? We can help them learn how to solve their own problems. We can do that by:

• Asking questions like: What solutions have you already thought about? How would that work to solve the problem? What problems does that solution have that could get in the way? How could those problems be addressed?

• What other solutions are there? This is the hard one. A lot of time people get stuck thinking about one way to solve the problem, realize it won’t work well, and then can’t let go of that one solution. I once heard someone say that they have a rule to come up with 20 different solutions to their problem, knowing that most of them will not be feasible. But what that does is open up their mind to other ways of doing things and they get unstuck.

• Ask: Have you ever been in a similar situation? What things did you try? How did those work? What do you wish you had done differently?

• Some other suggestions: Journal about potential solutions. Go for a walk.

• We can also express confidence that they will come up with the best solution to their own problem.