"You are no longer my mother"

That’s the headline from a Reuters story, published just before election day. It quotes person after person who have severed relationships with people of the opposite political party, people who have been important in their lives. It includes a couple who separated after the 2016 election, but are more often siblings, parents, or in-laws.

That story is based on 10 interviews, but I see similar comments a lot of other places, especially online. I just read a comment about a couple breaking up because the woman won’t let the man tell her good things about President Trump.

Over and over again, people say that knowing the person voted for the other side makes them question the other’s values. That’s an uncompromising way to think about it, one that leads to relationships that are irretrievably broken. That’s letting one aspect of a person’s life, their politics, dominate everything else. That’s your choice.

But if you have had a good relationship with the person before, believe the person is a good person overall, and want to continue the relationship, what can you do?

First, there’s another way to think about it, a way that might be helpful based in the latest psychology research. This research says that we all have the same values or morals, but that these differences arise when we place different interpretations on them or give different importance to them.

Second, the other point is that we don’t know how to talk about the things that are important to us. We don’t know how to talk about these values, so we give up.

Here’s a suggestion for a new way to talk to people who you know you might disagree with.

A: Ask questions. Don’t act as an interrogator but be curious and gentle. Ask open-ended questions like, “What’s the thing you liked best about your candidate? What were your major concerns about the other candidate?” Then probe, asking, “What make you think that?”

L: Listen with a new ear. Identify the values underneath what they’re saying and consider how those values resonate with you. Remember, we all have the same values, we may just express them differently. (To understand more about the values that researchers have identified, I have a list of resources on my website, including my book of the same name.)

A: Affirm the values you hear and that you agree with. (You can’t do that if you don’t know what they are. Go back to step L.)

R: Reframe. Take what you think and tie it to a value that’s important to the other person. To explain this more fully, take a look at the TED talk by Robb Willer. Or read my book, “Persuade, Don’t Preach.”

These steps are derived from research on two techniques, deep canvassing and moral reframing. Both of these techniques have demonstrated effectiveness in research studies, but no one has combined them before.

This won’t work every time, but they will work some of the time. A pastor I know is using this material in a church in Ohio and credits this approach with saving families.

Let’s mend some fractured relationships. I’d love to hear stories, please send them to me.

A note: It’s not easy to do new things, so you probably want to practice first. Also, listen to the podcasts on my resources page to hear testimonials from people who are using similar techniques for inspiration.