Why don’t we ask questions?

The other day I faced a situation which turned out to be very different than I expected. The person I was meeting with told me one thing when we set up the meeting but then changed the agenda and purpose at the start of the meeting.

I didn’t ask any questions; I just tried to adapt. I didn’t do a great job at it. I had put thought into preparing for the meeting so knew generally what to say on the original topic, but I wasn’t prepared to pivot.

What I wish I had done was to ask her questions about what she intended to do and why she changed her purpose. I could have asked to reschedule so I was better prepared. Here’s a link to my most recent post on asking questions that has some great ideas.

But why didn’t I do it? Why did I let her take the lead and not at least ask questions? After all, I wrote a newsletter about asking questions!

I think my response is pretty common. What I have come up with so far is fear. I know a common fear of asking questions is fear of looking stupid. Interestingly, the research shows that people who ask questions are viewed as smarter than those who don’t.

But that wasn’t my issue.

I think my fear was more of a fear of offending her. I think of those stories of people who ask questions that are viewed as intrusive, or are taken as exhibiting racism or misogyny or prejudice in some way. I am thinking of those people who ask questions that people take offense at, like asking someone overweight when they are due. I was afraid of being viewed as a “Karen” – a privileged middle-aged woman who was looking down on someone. And of course, my actual name is Karen, so I am a little sensitive to this charge.

But when I look at the questions in the post on asking questions, I don’t think any of them have that risk. Do they? I’d appreciate feedback on this. Have you ever not asked questions and later wish you had? What held you back?