If someone is mad at you, you may be tempted to apologize because that seems to be what they want. But it doesn’t always work like that. Apologies don’t always help. What can help is being clear on what your part in the situation is and taking responsibility for that part.
Here are some things to consider as you decide whether and how to apologize.
Why is the person mad? Is it something that you did or is it just that you didn’t meet their expectations?
I’ve been listening to stories lately of people who have someone in their lives who think they should apologize but they are unsure what it is for. A daughter requests that her mother apologize for both the errors she made during the daughter's childhood and for those the daughter herself has made more recently. The mother agrees that the mistakes she made are something to apologize for, but not for the decisions the daughter made as an adult. Another mother I listened to made a snippy comment to her daughter. The words were fine but maybe the tone wasn’t.
Being clear about what your part in it is so important.
Sometimes you might be changing your behavior, and the other person doesn’t like the change. A new behavior might be an experiment, and you might not decide to continue with it. Even so, any change can make people uncomfortable. Then, you don’t need to apologize.
Sometimes the other person is trying to manipulate you into doing something that isn’t right for you. They may have ideas about what is right that may be different from your own. In that case, an apology isn’t needed.
Sometimes others’ expectations are unrealistic, and they don’t like it when their expectations aren’t met. I’ve particularly heard stories about people wanting to borrow money or live in your space and taking advantage of the other. That doesn’t mean that you did something wrong by saying no. It’s appropriate to say no sometimes, and you have to decide where your boundary is. Barb Nangle, who guest posted for a while on this newsletter, gives great advice on setting boundaries. https://higherpowercc.com/meet-barb/
Don’t give an apology when one isn’t required. It won’t work. But, become clear on what you part is in a conflict and how you feel about it. Then you can decide whether to apologize and what to apologize for.
But if you did do something you are not proud of, then it’s a great thing to apologize. Especially if you mention your part in causing the rift.
Very well stated. It brings me some clarity. Thanks.