What is your conflict style?

We each have a default style that we use to approach a conflict. As you read below, think about the last conflict you had. What is your conflict style? What was theirs?  How did that contribute to the outcome and the feeling that you had about the conflict?

The five styles are:

Competing: Where your interests are prioritized over the other
Upside: Quick decision-making
Downside: Can be harmful to others; doesn’t prioritize long-term well-being

Accommodating: Where your interests are abandoned in favor of the other
Upside: Quick decision-making
Downside: Some needs don’t get met; reduces options because the other’s viewpoint isn’t learned from

Avoiding: Withdrawing from conflict; not bringing up an issue which may explode later
Upside: Gives time to cool off and can keep one from being harmed
Downside: Often preserves conflict

Compromising: Striking a deal, each person giving a little
Upside: reinforces equal power dynamic; great for time pressured situations
Downside: May not satisfy either party’s needs

Collaborating: Getting everyone involved
Upside: Satisfies everyone’s needs; generates new ideas; benefits relationship
Downside: Involves immense amounts of time; all parties much participate, even those who hate it

I myself am usually either a conflict avoider or a competitor, but I’ve also learned to operate in an organization that prioritizes the collaborating style. It depends on the person I’m talking to, the issue I’m talking about, and the setting I’m part of.

There are people who hate one particular style or another. Collaborating is a difficult style for people who are impatient or who get really anxious when people are disagreeing. Compromising may be difficult for those whose default style is competing because they look at everything they give up as a loss. 

Some styles work better together than others. Two people with compromising styles or two collaborators would work well together, but two accommodators, competitors or avoiders wouldn’t solve conflicts well together.

In addition to our own preferences, each style has its advantages and disadvantages to those of us who want to improve our relationships. Two of the styles are the most helpful in building a relationship: accommodating and collaborating. Compromise can also be helpful.

Different organizations or situations may require different styles. A decision that needs to be made quickly is ill-suited to the collaborating style. An organization I was involved in had a collaborating style and wanted to complete a project. A person who hated that style volunteered for the project. She asked that the organization let her do it a different way, especially because they knew that their default collaborating style would make things take longer, and they agreed.

But we can go beyond what our default style is. We can change. That’s what this newsletter is all about! Changing what we can to improve our relationships.

If you want to improve your relationship, consider whether you can learn one of the three styles that are more helpful to that goal. If you tend to favor the competing style, see if you can find ways to look beyond the short- term win to the long-term benefits of collaboration. If you tend to avoid, identify the long-term consequences of avoiding and try to figure out a way you can find a way to either compromise or collaborate.

And of course, the ALAR model (Ask, Listen, Affirm, Respond) is a great way to modify your style.

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