The topic came up of cutting people out of your lives in a discussion I participated in, and I thought of this post. I wrote it for a woman I met named Sally, who has since passed. I don’t think she ever got to see her grandson, but I know that he went to her funeral. So, perhaps there was healing in the end.
I’ve been collecting stories of what’s happening to our relationships — from a person whose sister-in-law sent an email saying “WE. ARE. DONE.” From a person who’s blocked the phone numbers and email addresses of someone they were once close to. From a person who proudly declared, “I cut those idiots out of my life.” And this has all happened over disagreements about politics and cultural issues or from someone just being insensitive. One of my friends became more open online about her beliefs about abortions, and a relative who she was friendly with saw it and now won’t talk to her at family functions. The two couples used to socialize, and now they don’t.
It seems this is a relatively new phenomenon, and we don’t really have an answer. We don’t know how to deal with disagreements in our politically polarized world.
If you are wondering what you can do about a person who has decided not to talk to you, the short answer is: nothing. You need to respect their boundary. If you try to get around their boundary, the outcome won’t be positive.
When I say you should do nothing, that doesn’t literally mean you can’t do anything at all. You can do some preparation so, if an opening occurs, you’ll be ready.
· Reflect on why you want to restore the relationship. What is about that person and about the relationship that you enjoy or admire? Become clear about the positive. Also become clear on why the rupture bothers you.
· Consider whether you did anything that contributed to the ending of the relationship. Have you done anything that could be perceived as rude, offensive or insensitive? Yes, your good intentions matter, but even those with best of intentions also make mistakes (as I talk about in this newsletter.) Is there anything that you wish you hadn’t done?
· Learn about what the other side really thinks. Learn about the range of thought, not what the news headlines and clickbait say — what real people say. Understand why they think what they think.
· Learn new ways to talk to people about contentious topics. Most people don’t know how to express what they believe to people who have different beliefs in a way that is respectful and welcoming and that encourages the relationship to continue.
· If you’re considering posting something online, give a thought to what the person who cut you off might think if you post it. Is there a way you could phrase what you want to say that they might be open to? Can you phrase it as a question or put a qualifier in that bridges the gap?
· As you put these steps into practice, consider sending good thoughts to the person in question. If you’re religious, consider praying for the person. Don’t pray that they’ll return to the relationship or change their mind about the issue, but for wonderful things to happen to them. I’ve done this, and it has changed me. It has softened my heart.
· Prepare what you might say if you get an opening. I would suggest including the value of the relationship to you, what you admire about them, an apology if one is needed, and an intention to try to approach conversations in a different way in the future that is more open and welcoming.
Let me know if you try this and how it works out.
Wise