The election was stolen!

Thoughts on how to discuss the integrity of election results

In our contentious political environment, it has become more common to say that an election was stolen.  I believe that helping us understand the issue more clearly and understand the other person can help us have better discussions when people bring up the topic. Instead of ignoring it, here are some ideas for things you might say.

One way to think about election being stolen is to delve into the topic of fairness.

When we talk about fairness, the temptation is to think the other side is being selfish. Books written for kids about fairness focus on this. And in regard to the elections, people may think the election was stolen because it didn’t go their way. The temptation then is to think people are being selfish – if it isn’t my way, then it has to be wrong. And in fact, research among people who are sport enthusiasts show that loyalty to a team overrides any impartiality about bad calls by refs.  So, in this heated atmosphere of elections, there is likely to be confirmation bias operating, where people only see things that confirm what they already believed. (link for those who want to know more about confirmation bias.)

But there is more to it than that. Our different conceptions of fairness are also underneath those disagreements.  That’s because there are three “flavors” of fairness, 1. Equality, 2. Merit, and 3. Equity. That’s confusing when we use the same word - fair - to describe all three of these different ways of settling differences.  And we need to settle our differences. Unlike what is sometimes done for kids, in an election, we can’t give everyone participation medals.  There are the limits of reality. There is only one of each position. Someone must win. And someone must lose.

Interestingly, psychology research with very young children has shown that we all – and I mean all of us humans - have the two basic flavors of fairness: equality and merit.  The research has shown that when effort is involved, then children expect the effort to be rewarded- that’s the merit-based flavor of fairness. But when no effort is involved, perhaps when a cake is sliced, then kids expect equal shares to be given.  The third flavor (equity) is less obvious and to my knowledge, no one has done research with little kids on it. This flavor is used to correct and make up for those who have been disadvantaged in the past. 

Given that we have a mix of flavors of fairness, it’s not surprising that we can’t agree on what is fair! We might be thinking of one flavor and the other person a different one. And when our sense of fairness is violated, we get upset. In fact, anger is a common response for when someone feels that what happened is not fair.  The newsletter post on how to deal with someone who is angry might be helpful in a conversation on this topic.  (link)

If you want to learn more about fairness, I’ve written about it before (link to previous post) or you can read about it in my book, “Persuade, Don’t Preach: Restoring Civility Across the Political Divide”.

The above discussion might help as you discuss the election results. As I have written about before, one option to have better conversations is to ask curious questions. (For more, see this previous newsletter on curiosity.) As a friend of mine says, “be curious, not furious.” Some questions you might try are: “what would have made it a fair election in your opinion?”  “How would you know it was fair?” “Is it only fair if your candidate wins?”

Of course, if you ask questions, you need to listen, as I talked about in this previous newsletter (link). Only after they get a sense that you are really listening, can you move on to the next steps, affirming (link) and finally responding (link).

A further concept worth exploring is trust.  When people say the election is stolen, it means they don’t trust the people who administer it. This statement could refer to the poll workers or the state authorities or perhaps they haven’t thought it through what they really mean. When the Secretary of State from Kentucky hears comments about the election being stolen, he invites people to come in to inspect their processes. This helps to calm them down and he also gained some poll workers! You might suggest that your conversation partner look into getting more information – maybe you could both go together and learn or volunteer to be poll workers at a future election.  Another wise person suggested that it might help to emphasize that the poll workers are our neighbors, not some faceless demons. (Note: I have worked the polls for several elections, so I have firsthand exposure to what is involved and how difficult it is to cheat and how dedicated the poll workers are to being even handed.)

A different area you might explore in a conversation on this topic is the idea of conflict entrepreneurs.  These are people who benefit from creating distrust.  You could ask a question like: “Is this person going to benefit from creating distrust?” That benefit can be in terms of clicks, viewership or actually selling products. This might include the people who say the election was stolen before the election occurred. One more possible question for your conversation: “Why do you think they did that?”

A related option is to point out that this distrust is playing right into China and Russia’s hands, that they don’t want us to trust our elections. They are also conflict entrepreneurs.   

One more way to turn the conversation is to think about power and who holds it. A friend of mine describes the back and forth of power that has occurred in the United States since it was formed as a dance.  The different sides take turns. First, one side holds the power and leads the dance, then the power transfers to the other partner and they lead.  Overall, the dance is fair because both partners participate but at different times.

I hope this gives you some ideas to use as you face difficult conversations in the coming days.  These conversations may still be occurring during Thanksgiving, so bookmark this newsletter so you can use it then. And let me know if you find it helpful and tell me stories!  My website is https://persuadedontpreach.com/contact/