Take stock of the year

As the calendar turns to the new year, it’s time to review the old one. How did you do on your resolve to Mend Fractured Relationships? (I am assuming that is what you want because you read this newsletter.) Perhaps by examining your wins and fails you will identify a pattern you want to change in the new year.

What came up for me when I did this was a contrast between two recent interactions I had. One, over the Thanksgiving holiday, was with someone I don’t really know. I was surprised by the things she said, given her background. Things I didn’t agree with. I fell into lecturing mode. I don’t feel good about how I acted, and I certainly didn’t build a relationship with her.

The second interaction was a challenging family situation due to a difficult event. In this case, what I did was name the emotion in the room and make a short statement of fact to contribute to the discussion. I feel good about how I acted in this latest situation.

Generally, I know I do better when I plan ahead what I am going to say. But neither of these situations were planned, so that wasn’t the difference. The similarity is that I had information to impart, which is how I feel I can add value to the world and to a conversation. One I did rather well, the other I didn’t. The difference: I kept what I had to say short and to the point in the good scenario and didn’t go on and on.

It’s worth pointing out that what I did do differently in the conversation that I feel good about is to name the emotion that I and others were having. That’s new for me. A few years ago, I put a lot of effort into trying to improve my emotional literacy. (I wrote about it here.) I have to pat myself on the back, it seems to have helped at least somewhat. And by naming the emotion in this difficult situation, the temperature of the conversation cooled off a bit.

What have I learned from this analysis? That I have to guard against lecturing. It may feel good in the moment (or at least familiar) but I won’t feel good later. I need to remember to keep what I have to say short, and then remember to listen (as I write about often!). I also learned that naming emotions can work and to try to remember to do it again, when appropriate.

How did your year go? What successes have you had? What failures? What’s behind the difference? Comments are open if you wish to share.