Setting boundaries might help mend your relationships
If you are apprehensive about a conversation or a relationship, one tool you can use is to set boundaries. This is not often used but it can really help.
If you do this, you are taking control. In her book Braving the Wilderness, Brené Brown reported that people who were successful in these types of difficult conversations set boundaries.
Setting boundaries is an especially subtle and difficult topic because even though the boundaries are for you, they are about ultimately about someone else’s behavior. But, because you can’t change another person and you can only change yourself, that makes it difficult. Be aware, at first, the other person probably won’t honor your boundary. Setting a boundary isn’t just about announcing it, it is about deciding what you will do if (and when!) the person crosses that boundary and following through! Some options for follow through are: ending the conversation, changing the topic, or leaving the room. It is the change in your behavior reinforcing the boundary that causes the boundary to be effective.
Here are the steps to boundary setting:
1. With help, decide on what boundary to set.
2. Pick one boundary at a time, not a bunch!
3. Decide what you will do if/when the boundary is crossed.
4. If/when that occurs, do it! Take action.
5. Congratulations! Celebrate the fact that you have done it!
6. Repeat as necessary, one boundary at a time (don’t try another one until that one is firmly established)
What boundaries can help with difficult conversations? Brené Brown has found in her research that people who set a boundary of not listening to dehumanizing language feel safer in the conversation. You also might want to set a boundary that no one will be attacked or that certain language is out of bounds. Another you might consider is to not allow ridicule.
If your boundary is breached, this will let you know when you have to stop listening, and you need to say something. You can either set these boundaries up front or when something happens that violates these boundaries. But make it part of your preparation, so you know what you will do if it occurs. And one way you can respond is to say, “Ouch, that hurt.”
I have to say most of the time I don’t use this tool, I just let the conversation flow. But when I have used it, it has changed the course of the relationship. The most memorable time is when I told my mother that I didn’t want to listen to negative feedback or gossip. I had had a difficult relationship with her for my entire life. The difference my setting a boundary made was remarkable. Of course, she continued her usual behavior for a while, but every time she did I reinforced the boundary. I reminded her of what I had said and hung up the phone. It only took a few times, and she changed this behavior. We were able to have more caring conversations after that and there was healing in the relationship. And when she got sick, I was able to put aside our differences and do what I could to take care of her in the last year of her life without resentment.