Questions to ask before you say something

Pause. 

Wait.

Before you say something that might upset the relationship, ask yourself these questions.

Does it need to be said?

Things have a way of working themselves out without outsiders butting in.  Does this person really need to hear what you have say or are you sticking your nose in where it doesn’t belong?  (See the Don’t give advice newsletter for more on this.)

Does it need to be said by me?

Sometimes the person needs to hear the message, but you might not be the right person to deliver it.  This is especially true of parents and their kids.  At some point, you realize that your child may need to hear a message, but they will be more receptive if it comes from someone else. This can apply to other family members, and any close relationship.

Does it need to be said now?

If you have a feeling of urgency to say something right now, that is a sign there might be a problem. Our thinking gets clouded if we feel under pressure. But is it really an urgent situation or is it just our pressure?  True, there are real urgent situations such as a potential accident when we are driving.  But often it’s not a situation that has to be acted on right now.

Urgency may be a mirage. Scam artists and con men and women use the idea of pressure this to their advantage.  I just heard someone use this as an excuse for a problematic message. But there was no real urgency to what she said, the situation she was concerned about actually never happened.  Urgency is no excuse for acting in a potentially hurtful way, it’s a signal that you need to wait and consider the question of whether it truly is urgent.

Does it need to be said?  Does it need to be said by me?  Does it need to be said now?