Put the relationship first

The stories I hear about relationships that have foundered on the issue of political polarization all seem very similar. Someone gets outraged about something the other person said, sometimes on social media, sometimes in an email. Their emotions run high. Sometimes they yell, but oftentimes, they cut off contact.

But I just heard a different type of story, one where both people put the relationship first.  I first heard it on the podcast “everything happens” hosted by Kate Bowler. Her guest, Anna Sale, is a a proponent of talking about hard things and has just published a book appropriately called, “Let’s Talk about Hard Things.”

George, a retired machinist, living in the upper Midwest and had been married to Pam’s mom for many years. George and Pam hadn’t gotten along very well after he married her mom. She rebelled and moved to California. As one might expect, George was conservative and Pam liberal. She would visit her mom but things continued to be tense between her and her stepdad. As the couple aged, the mother developed dementia and eventually couldn’t live at home any longer. Pam faced a dilemma — could she stay in what was now George’s home when she went to go to visit her mother? Her mother was no longer there, and she wasn’t sure she felt comfortable doing so.

She brought up the topic with George, and they talked about it. George made it clear that Pam was welcome at any time. He stated that their relationship was the most important thing. She started softening towards him, but at the same time things became more awkward because there was a Trump rally in town. Although he was a Trump supporter, George let Pam know that he didn’t want politics get in the way.

Although he didn’t say anything, Pam noticed that George wouldn’t turn on Fox News while she there. Instead, they watched a lot of Family Feud together. It became a joke that he could turn on Fox News because she was leaving. (A little bit of humor helps, as this post talks about.)

And eventually, they were able to be curious and ask each other questions about the other side of things that had baffled them, like sanctuary cities and Trump rallies.

When Pam’s mother died, they were able to grieve together, each from different places, but were able to be present for each other. By putting the relationship first, they helped themselves, helped the relationship, and were eventually able to talk about the hard things.

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