Mending Fractured Relationships: Post-Election newsletter

Processing the election

This email from a friend of mine got me thinking.

“I have pretty much ‘lost it’ on Trumpers and have much healing to do. That healing will NOT include ignoring what happened. I refuse to nurture my anger. I seek a way forward. Yet at the same time I will never look at the American people the way I did even two weeks ago. Maybe I never really understood them to begin with. I don't like what I see. Not one bit.”

Here’s what I came up with to tell her:

Before we can move on, we need to process our emotions. Really experience them, live them. Go down to the depths or up to the heights. Also, the people we love that we have a fractured relationship with, they have to deal with their emotions, too. They’re also experiencing overwhelming emotions. All of this emotion needs to be waded through. Unless the emotions are dealt with, they will hang on and on and on. This isn’t my area of focus, but perhaps getting together with a group of likeminded people to grieve might be a useful, positive way to deal with the emotions. Therapy is also great, but groups might be even better.

Later, at some point, we need to deal with the fact that our information sources are divided and divisive. I’ve written about this before, and the questions I came up with earlier are still very useful.

But what I want to focus on in this newsletter is the values. President Trump was an instinctive politician, one whose values mapped perfectly with his supporters. He didn’t study those values or even recognize them; he didn’t need to. But his approach was to be negative, to be divisive. He relished chaos and resistance. He awakened the dark side of people’s values, the nasty underpinnings. Those are the openings for racism and xenophobia.

But these values don’t just have dismal side, they also have positives. That’s what this newsletter is going to focus on: What are good parts?

Warning: You may not be ready for this until you’ve processed your emotions. If you find yourself reacting negatively, come back and read this later after you’ve finished processing.

Let’s talk about the moral foundation of Respect for Authority. (For those who haven’t been following this newsletter, I am referencing moral foundation theory as described by Graham and Haidt.) President Trump had Authority going for him, big time. He has several factors that contributed; he is a tall, white man, who appears to be successful and has a loud voice. This puts those of us who aren’t men, who aren’t white, and who aren’t already successful at a disadvantage. So, what could be the upside of this value? It’s going to sound obvious, but when we have a competent leader, our country will be more successful and happier. Instead, the 2016 election meant we ended up with one who only played a leader on TV. Of course, we also need a leader who doesn’t think his job is to Tweet, whine, promote conspiracy theories, and start lawsuits. But that doesn’t mean that all authority is bad—just authority that uses power to hurt people. I will repeat myself, we need a good leader, and competent leader, who cares about all the people in this country.

The next major moral foundation that President Trump induced was belonging. He did that in a couple of ways; he signaled it with the comments he made about other races and religions—with building the wall on the border with Mexico, the tariffs with China and other countries. If you were a white American (and especially a man) who cares about your country, President Trump got you. He was on your side. He cared what happened to you and your group.

Except he didn’t really, because he’s a TV star who knows how to play being on your side. He understands the negative part of belonging; he has no clue how to create an inclusive community.  

Is there a good side to the Belonging Moral Foundation? Yes, we need a strong country. We need good borders. And we all need to feel that we belong. As someone I know says, we need a big tent.

The third moral foundation that President Trump instinctively used is the toughest one to talk about: Sacredness/Purity. Trump’s use of demeaning language, of comparisons to animals and use of words like “infestation” are manifestations of this moral foundation. But the hardest part of this is that racism is the murky underbelly of this moral foundation.

This moral foundation is higher among those that get nauseated more easily and those more sensitive people are also more likely to hold racist attitudes. These attitudes go deep; the sources are their upbringing, their brain functioning, their saliva secretions and sweat production. Given this, it seems pretty clear that we can’t talk people out of their racist attitudes.

So, what could be good about that? About the racism, nothing, obviously. But there are good parts to the Sacredness/Purity moral foundation. We all have it, even if we don’t give it as much importance. Cleanliness is part of this moral foundation. So is being able to identify foods that are dangerous or poisonous. Opposition to the death penalty because life is sacred is a manifestation of this moral foundation. And having a strong spiritual connection is perhaps the most important part of this moral foundation.

Let’s take the opposite approach from President Trump. Let’s look for and celebrate the positive. Affirm what you can agree with, ideas like how important it is that this country have a good competent leader and that this country be strong. For now, ignore the racism, knowing there’s nothing you can say about it, except to reframe what you do agree with.

Perhaps then, we can start to heal ourselves and our relationships.

If you want more information about moral foundation theory and how that explains our politics, check out my website. I have more information there, including links to resources and to my book, “Persuade, Don’t Preach.”