Is there such a thing as healthy conflict?
Can conflict really be good?
I recently attended a presentation where the audience was asked to say the words that they associated with conflict. Most of the words were negative.
I think many of us hate conflict. We avoid it. It feels messy.
But then someone used the word healthy. Hunh? That’s surprising, conflict can be good?
Journalist and author Amanda Ripley agrees. In her book, “High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How to Get Out,” she describes the difference between healthy conflict and high conflict.
Here is what she says: “In healthy conflict, there is movement. Questions get asked. Curiosity exists. There can be yelling too. But healthy conflict leads somewhere. It feels more interesting to get to the other side than to stay in it.”
In contrast, she says that high conflict “is the destination. There’s nowhere else to go.” And it can hold us in a “trance” that we have to break in order to get out of.
So maybe we when we think negatively about conflict, we are only thinking about high conflict.
Jonathan Haidt says that if we don’t engage with those we disagree with, “we become stupid.” That’s because healthy conflict is conflict that we learn from. We can have healthy conflict when we feel that those we disagree with have something to offer to us. When we want to be challenged because we want to be better people and to solve our big problems. The ones we disagree with have a different point of view that can help us solve the difficult problems of our world. We need their ideas! And we do have wicked problems to solve!
If we continue to stay in high conflict, then we’ll never learn what others can teach us. We’ll never solve those wicked problems.
I try to learn from every conflict I’m in. It isn’t easy, but it is worth it! I’m definitely a better person because of it. I learn about myself, and I learn about other worldviews.
We need to learn the skills that help us turn high conflict into healthy conflict. Let’s break the “trance” and deliberately work on getting to the other side. We need the right kind of conflict! Let’s get smarter about how to do conflict.
If you have any suggestions for me, please contact me.
This is quite an interesting topic and question posed. I used to view conflict as unpleasant, and I still do to some degree. However, I have also realized over time that without adversity, we regress. We don’t even stay the same; we actually regress because the world around us is always moving forward. Conflict not only can allow us the opportunity to be open to new ideas but also to perhaps find more evidence supporting our original conviction that can give us a fresh perspective. Open conflict is indeed different from high or closed conflict. There are individuals whose only intent is to spread their doctrine and I tend to realize after a few minutes of conversation if that’s what’s happening. I usually then walk away with kindness.