How to tell when someone isn’t listening

One of my favorite topics is listening. When I say it’s a favorite, that’s because I need to work on it. I don’t think I’m alone — most people can improve on their listening ability. 

I was recently called out for not listening.  The man who called me out was right. Despite the fact that I was trying to give non-verbal cues that I was listening (nodding my head, saying “uh-huh”), I wasn’t really listening. I was tuned out. You really can’t fake listening.

It’s a cornerstone of the process that I laid out in a previous series of newsletters. The process involves asking questions, listening, affirming and reframing. The series starts here: https://fracturedrelationships.substack.com/p/what-questions-should-i-ask  

When someone feels we aren’t listening, we won’t get anywhere. How do people know that we aren’t listening? 

The podcast “Happier” by Gretchen Rubin and Liz Craft had an episode on the cues of how you can tell when someone isn’t listening to you. Although, as I experienced it, people have a gut feel about it whether they say it or not.  But their number one answer to a clue that someone isn’t listening was that they’re looking at their phone.  

What can you do if you want to look up something on your phone while you’re in a conversation? The answer is simple, you can counter the idea that you aren’t listening by telling someone that you’re looking up something that you want to contribute to the conversation. If it isn’t for the conversation, then wait or excuse yourself from the conversation first.

Listening is being respectful.