How do we talk to people who are afraid?

I’ve seen fear of change clearly displayed both online and in person with conservatives. For example, my neighbor’s been focusing on whether the new houses being built behind hers are going to lower the price of her house, what Kamala Harris would do if she became president, and over the violence in cities over BLM. My young friend’s father is worried that immigrants are going to take away what he saved. I wrote about his fears in a previous newsletter (link here). My colleague posted a link on LinkedIn to an article that claimed that the radical left was destroying America.

Conservatives are afraid of change. That’s why they want to conserve what they have. It’s not only evident in what they say, it’s also backed up by research that shows that conservatives score lower on being open to change — one of the big five personality attributes. Why are they like that? It comes down to what happened to them when they were at an impressionable age — from about age 9 to mid-teens. They learned that holding on to what they have is important. Because this fear is an integral part of their personality, you aren’t going to convince them they don’t need to be afraid. I tried being reassuring about property values to my neighbor — it didn’t work.

The right-wing media has exploited this fear of change to make money. They fan the preexisting embers of fear into a raging fire to grab ratings, viewers and money. But what they do best of all is to focus on fear of the other side. Instead of focusing on fear of disease, they focused on fear of what “they” are going to try to make us do (wear masks!). Fears of socialism, fears of immigrants overrunning the country, fears of BLM violence; they all come down to fear of the “other.” And this resonates strongly. Conservatives were already more likely to be high in fear of the “other,” and the media (and the president) just amped it up to a new level.

That doesn’t mean the left-wing media doesn’t also promote fear. It does. All media focus on the anomalies — it wouldn’t be news if it weren’t outrageous. That leads to a misperception about the frequency of bad things happening. Risk experts cite that, even though more people die of car crashes than of shark attacks, more people are afraid of shark attacks than of car crashes.

What can work to counter the flames of fear stoked by the media? Let’s examine the model I’ve been working with and assess whether it will work.

To review, the model has four steps:

·       Ask

·       Listen

·       Affirm

·       Reframe

In steps one and two, you’re accomplishing several things. First, you’re giving the person a chance to process their emotions. This is rare. We never get to talk about emotions, and in fact, we usually aren’t in touch with emotions. By stating fears aloud, the fears may lessen. I know that is true for me. I’ve been afraid of going public, but conversations with my friends have helped me realize that, even though some people might not like what I said, the world wouldn’t end.

How could I have applied this theory to my conversation? For instance, if I had asked my neighbor questions about her fears regarding BLM protests, she may have come to her own conclusions that they were unlikely to happen in our neighborhood in rural New Jersey. To facilitate this, you need to ask questions that help people realize their fears are blown out of proportion. Be careful not to make them feel attacked or questioned. I suggest questions like: What specifically do they think will happen? How would that work? What would happen then? Or for a slightly different direction: How long have you felt like this? What experiences have you had that are similar to this? This is just a start. I’ve written about some of the questions in a previous newsletter (link here).

There’s something else to think about. Is there something you can say to help loosen the hold the right-wing media has on this person? The media literacy questions I wrote about in an earlier post (link here) may be useful.

It might be hard to think of an affirmation to someone when you think their fears are unreasonable. You could say something like, “It’s hard when things feel so scary” or “It’s hard to change.”

In this entire process, by not arguing, you’re demonstrating that you aren’t the enemy. An enemy wouldn’t listen and certainly wouldn’t affirm anything they said (step 3). And an enemy wouldn’t be able to reframe the conversation in such a way that demonstrates that they know what’s important to them. So, in this whole process, you’re building bridges and lessening fear of the other.  

This work is hard. I’m still learning myself. I don’t give myself a very high grade so far. In my conversation with my neighbor, I didn’t listen very much. I’ll give myself a “D” for Asking and Listening. But I tried to make up for it later by sending her an email with an apology for not listening and asking her a question. She did respond, saying that I didn’t need to apologize and signed off with a “warmly.” (That’s why it’s not an “F.”). I did do well (“A”) on affirmation, saying “Change is tough” and a “B” for Reframing. I did better on both affirmation and reframing because I’ve been practicing them longer. Progress, not perfection.

Join me on the journey of trying to learn to talk to the other side in a healing, productive way. If you haven’t already subscribed, please do so now. And please spread the work to anyone else you think wants to join us on this journey of Mending Fractured Relationships.