Fractures among neighbors

A podcast host I was talking to told me she felt she couldn’t garden in her own yard because her neighbor is often blasting hateful content when she wants to go outside. She has to wait it out until her neighbor goes inside.

I’ve come up with some suggestions for her issue with her neighbor. I couldn’t do it on the fly in the podcast — it took me a while — but with some thought, I figured out two potential solutions that someone can use to address this type of situation.

You can start by saying something like, “I know we’ve been neighbors for a while and have gotten along well together. I really appreciate you getting my mail when I go on vacation (fill in the blank here for something nice she’s done for you or, even better, if there’s something you have done together). I wanted to talk to you about something that concerns me.” Reminding the neighbor about the relationship’s previous positivity can put her at ease.

The first idea is to use the sacredness/purity moral foundation (as described by Jonathan Haidt, in his book, The Righteous Mind, and also in my own book, Persuade, Don’t Preach). This might work for a person who is high in that foundation, which is likely to be true if the person is conservative.

A conversation starter might be something like, “I wonder what you get out of gardening?” Then turn to your own experience and say something like “I feel closer to nature and all the things God has given us when I’m working in my garden.” If you’re comfortable saying something about God, that will probably be more powerful for her. If you aren’t, you can talk about the purity of the earth. She may agree with you. Be sure to use either the words God, sacredness, or purity. This will work well if she is conservative because conservatives tend to be strong on the moral foundation of sacredness/purity. This won’t work as well with liberals. You can then check with her to see if she relates that.

Then, you can follow that conversation with something about how hearing loud music or even talk radio interferes with that process. You can ask whether that is true for her. Then you can say that you’ve been avoiding coming out to garden when she’s out there because of the loudness. Don’t say it’s because of what she’s listening to, so she doesn’t feel attacked. Focus on the volume. That makes the issue less about what she’s listening to and more about anything being that loud. It should feel less personal, then. After that, if you feel comfortable, you can ask if she would turn down the volume on what she is listening to help you commune more with God (or nature).

If you do that, she may realize by herself that she is getting herself riled up when listening when she could be getting herself calmed down while working outside.

The second idea is to use the concept of a neighborhood as a welcoming place for everyone. This only works if she’s been involved in neighborhood activities and feels pride in the neighborhood. This is based on the moral foundation of belonging (same as Haidt’s “loyalty to the group” moral foundation but I like the word belonging better). Conservatives are also high in this moral foundation. If this seems to be true for her, you could try saying that the loud playing of talk radio is similar to the playing of loud music in that it makes the neighborhood less appealing.

The podcast host thought the first idea was brilliant and was going to try it out!

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