Expectations can cause conflict

I recently had an uncomfortable conversation caused by mismatched expectations.

I was attending a meeting of an organization that was new to me. I was wary of volunteering but started having lots of ideas for how to improve one area of their functioning. I wanted to check out my ideas with the incumbent, so I started a conversation with her. Also at the table was a different woman who heard what I was saying and chimed in with what she felt were the requirements of the job, which included the need to perform a task every day.

So, I started asking her questions (Without realizing it, I was following my recommended process of listening and asking questions). She wasn’t very clear at explaining why this absolute dedication was needed – and I neglected to ask specific questions for details.

We were at an impasse. I said that checking everyday wouldn’t be possible for me, so this wasn’t a volunteer position for me. I suggested that they might consider paying someone if they really needed something done everyday.

But I was left feeling uncomfortable. She wasn’t. She seemed oblivious to the discomfort that I (and the others observing) felt.

So, being me, and being interested in figuring out what happened and what I could do better.

I realized that I wasn’t taking her concerns seriously, I was dismissing them as being unreasonable. If I had taken them more seriously, perhaps I could have asked better questions and helped her clarify the issues and then helped brainstorm other ways to meet the concern.

Second, I realized that that I didn’t take her seriously because I was in a heightened emotional state. Part of me felt criticized because I wasn’t going to live up to her expectations. That’s on me.

Third, I think it is interesting that she was oblivious while others around us were aware of the conflict and uncomfortable. How many times are we oblivious when we create conflict? It makes me think of the statement that intentions matter. I am sure she didn’t mean to create conflict but that doesn’t matter. She still did.

Do you all see any other lessons?