Do intentions matter?

I took an anti-racism training course that claimed that intentions don’t matter. The point they were making was that people can be still hurt by something you did, even if you didn’t intend it.  I think that is right, but in saying “intentions don’t matter”, the trainers were overstating their case.  And in fact, when they made that statement this, they ran the risk of alienating the very people who had the most likelihood of becoming allies.

Intentions do matter. They matter in law. In court, you get a different sentence for murder versus manslaughter. And in relationships, intentions also do matter.  If you hear them say didn’t mean to hurt you, it’s good news. If they did mean to hurt you, that’s really bad news, there’s not much hope there for restoring the relationship.

If they say they didn’t mean to hurt you, that means they might be more willing to listen to you and potentially to make a change. Start by acknowledging and valuing their statement that they didn’t mean it and how glad you are that they didn’t mean it.  Tell them how much you value the relationship and their willingness to work on it. Then say, “although you didn’t mean it, I still find it hurtful when you (fill in the blank.)” If you want to, you can then ask, "would you be willing to think of different ways to do this going forward?" Don’t lecture them on how to do it, ask them to find their own solution. Respect their agency.

But how about if you are the one who caused pain inadvertently? What if someone says that they felt hurt, and you didn’t mean it? What can you do?  It’s tempting to defend yourself, because after all, we don’t like doing things that hurt people. It makes us feel incompetent.

Here’s another way to think about it.  We are all human and we all have “growing edges”: areas in which we can learn and grow. This is just one of them, one in which you can learn to become better.  Accept that there is something for you to learn.  Then, if the relationship or subject matters to you, try to figure out how to address it. Don’t ask the person for advice, however. That can make things worse, especially if the area is racism. There are lots of other resources you can draw from to help you find solutions. 

How do you handle your growing edges?