Dear Karen: I feel judged
Dear Karen,
I am relatively recently divorced. My ex-husband and I agreed on a lot of things, especially politics, but he treated me badly.
During the pandemic, I started dating someone new. He treats me great, and I really like him. He is kind and thoughtful, not just to me, but to everyone. The only problem is our politics are very different. He has a libertarian bent and supported the former president; I’m very liberal. My friends are liberal and even my job is for a liberal organization. He and I have started talking about political issues, and I see him softening on some things.
As the pandemic eases, we’re starting to socialize with his friends. Even though they’re Republican voters, they treat me well. He wants to meet my friends, but I’m concerned that they won’t treat him the same way. I told two of my friends about him, and they were encouraging at first, but when I got to the point of saying that he voted Republican, they cooled off. They warned me against him!
I feel judged. I think this relationship has potential, but I don’t want to give up my friends. What can I do?
“Mary”
Dear “Mary”,
You feel judged because you are being judged. Your friends are judging you because you went outside of their tribe.
Kudos to you for looking beyond the tribe. I know others who won’t, such as a woman from Florida who told me that all the men she meets are Trump supporters, and she won’t date them.
But this puts you in a difficult spot. You need to use the skills I write about in my newsletter to help your friends understand.
One thing you can do is to point out to your friends that they’re acting as a member of a tribe and exhibiting prejudice. They are “prejudging” your gentleman friend before they even meet him. That will probably make them upset because they may pride themselves on not prejudging others and don’t even realize it. Say it gently.
You might also tell them you have seen him softening on some issues and that you’ve learned that this is one way we can influence the other side. If they give up the opportunity to talk productively to people they disagree with, they perpetuate the problem. The only way we can come to any form of agreement is to learn how to talk to one another.
And feel free to send them links to issues of this newsletter that will help them prepare for a productive conversation. Here are my favorites:
I love this newsletter on curiosity:
Another one I love: Why should I change? They are the problem.
And of course, the newsletter series on the process of asking questions, listening, affirming and reframing is a great tool. I will link to the first one, and each one links to the next:
https://fracturedrelationships.substack.com/p/what-questions-should-i-ask-c77
I hope this helps!
Karen
If you have any questions about how to handle situations, please let me know by using this form on my website:
https://persuadedontpreach.com/contact/