Conflict advice

I’ve been comparing two different pieces of advice for dealing with conflict and thinking about how to use them.

The first is from a person who claims to be conflict avoidant and was proud that her marriage didn’t have conflict. Until her partner asked her for a divorce. Obviously, there were things that they should have been discussing. Her advice was:

• Expect a conversation not a conflict

A different piece of advice came from someone dealing with an active alcoholic.

• Do nothing, say nothing

The three areas you need to consider in deciding which advice to apply are:

• What is the situation?

• How are you and the other person feeling, mentally and physically

• How important is it to you to maintain the relationship?

First, importance. If the relationship isn’t that important to you, don’t say anything. Follow the “do nothing, say nothing” advice.

Second, if the situation is inappropriate for a deep conversation, then also follow the “do nothing, say nothing” advice. Save the conversation for another time. In fact, you can say that to the person something like: I want to talk to you more about these issues, but now isn’t the time. Are you available at (name a date and time)?

Third, don’t say anything if you (or the other person) are feeling hungry, angry, lonely or tired. It won’t go well. (I’ve written about this before.)

But if you have determined that the situation is right, both of you are in a good enough position to have a conversation, that’s the time to employ the skills which I write about in this newsletter.