College student home for the holidays

How to navigate political tensions

Even if you aren’t a college student, this post may be helpful at holiday gatherings with people you disagree with politically.

College is weird this year because of the pandemic, which places additional stress on both the students and their families. But before that, there was another tension, and that isn’t going away in this election year. Even after the election is settled, it will still be there.

This tension was illustrated for me last year, after a presentation I gave at a college down South. A student came up to ask me how to apply these concepts in his visits home for the holidays. He was a first-generation college student, and he was stretching and growing and being exposed to new ideas. He didn’t know what to do about the conflicts he had when he went home to his family, who haven’t been exposed to these ideas.

I applaud him for wanting to do something differently. I didn’t when I was his age; I was oblivious to the fact that I could change things. He showed emotional maturity that I didn’t have as a young person.

So, what can he do? I told him to focus on the values his family taught him.

What I would say is to start with gratitude that his family is supporting him in becoming the first of his family to go to college. That’s a big step for a family to take and a sacrifice. Even if he got a scholarship, it’s still wonderful that they are supporting him emotionally. I would suggest that he express gratitude for their supportiveness.

Second, I would suggest that he also mention that they gave him a great foundation with how they raised him. That should reassure his family that he isn’t a different person.

Only then, would I say focus on the values that I explain in my book, “Persuade, Don’t Preach.” Since he is a first-generation college student, his family’s values are probably conservative. Three of values that his family probably holds that are different from his liberal college friends and professors are Belonging (in the form of patriotism or allegiance to a particular faith), Respect for Authority (in the form of the authorities of the government and the church), and Sacredness/Purity (again church-related.) I would suggest he tell his family that he’s still going to church at school and is still a patriotic American.

If that feels awkward, if he’s beginning to question these things and doesn’t feel comfortable with that, I would tell him to wait to tell his family. They don’t need to be part of his process of figuring out everything . . . yet. He has a lot of time to work out how he wants to change and grow and can pick and choose when to share his thoughts and feelings. Now is not a good time. Not while the election is so raw, and not while he’s still exploring, and not when he needs their support.

If he can demonstrate a continuation of his family’s values, then he will be able to learn to reframe what he’s learning about in school ,and then they will be able to hear what he has to say about the issues. Later, not this year.