Can humor help your relationship?
The answer is yes, but it’s tricky. We tend to avoid it because it is tricky, and we are afraid it will fail. And a failure in humor can make the situation worse – we were right about that.
I became interested in this possibility when I heard the TED talk by Naomi Bagdonas & Jennifer Aaker, Stanford University professors who teach a course (for credit!) on humor to business school students.
Humor can be a powerful tool to help with the difficult relationships in your life, because it affects the neurotransmitters, cortisol and dopamine. It enhances dopamine and reduces cortisol, reducing stress and making us feel better. (We probably already knew it made us feel better, but didn’t know the biology that proves it.) It also increases trust in a relationship. So, it worth exploring.
As Naomi and Jennifer say in their TED Talk, “Laughing is like exercising, meditating and having sex at the same time.” They also say: “Where humor exists, love is not far behind.”
But humor is hard these days. How can we do it safely?
Start by recognizing it’s not about you. So don’t ask, “will it make me sound funny?” Instead ask, “how will this make other people feel?”
The trick with humor is to look for truth but add in an element of surprise or misdirection. Notice the things that happen in real life that are funny or odd. Some people keep running lists of things that they notice. Then, once you have that kernel, set it up with an element of misdirection.
Since we are talking about using humor to tackle those taboo subjects such as religion and politics (that’s what we are concerned about - we don’t need to make things worse after all), be careful.
There are some rules that can help. Consider both the pain and the distance. Is this going to be too painful for the person you are talking to? Or is it too close in time, or in psychological distance? More rules: never make fun of someone of lower status.
Of course, any discussion of humor in 2022 has to address the reaction that Will Smith had when Chris Rock made a joke about his wife’s disability. The joke was too painful for Jada Pinkett Smith and her husband, leading to his violent reaction.
Another rule: never make a joke about another person’s identity.
That’s the trap that Dave Chappell fell into with his jokes about transpeople, which led to the storm of criticism.
One way to deal with that issue is to make the humor about yourself or your tribe. It may feel that you are weakening your position, but the research shows that, in general, people who make jokes about things are more highly regarded. That’s something you don’t need to worry about.
And it doesn’t have to be fall down funny. Just lighthearted and appropriate.
The ice cream company Ben and Jerry’s has used humor successfully by taking a lighthearted approach to social issues. An example is when they banned “same-scoop servings” in Australia during a period when the country was debating same-sex marriage.
Former Secretary of State Madeline Albright used humor to let the Russians know that she knew they were bugging the rooms the Americans were in. She did that by wearing a large pin of a bug on her lapel. They never talked about the pin, but it changed the tone of the talks.
Exaggeration can also be a way of gaining levity. I love the story about a person waiting for a long time in what was supposed to be an express line. The problem was caused by a customer writing a check. To lighten the mood of the people around her, she told the people after her she was going to write three checks. The absurdity eased the mutinous mood.
Not only will humor help you build your relationship back, but it may also help change minds. As the Dalai Lama noted: “Laughter is good for thinking because when people launch, it is easier for them to admit new ideas in their mind.” That might be why some people feel that George Carlin had a huge impact on changing people’s minds. (I don’t suggest taking George Carlin’s approach but note it as an example of how humor may have worked.)
If you are interested in the idea of using humor to help in your relationship, I suggest reading the book, “Humor Seriously: Why Humor is a Secret Weapon in Business and in Life” by Bagdonas and Aaker
The balance of gravity and levity gives power to both. We can do serious things without taking ourselves so seriously, and in fact, often we can do them better.
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Edited to add a link to a Twitter thread by Nick Carmody on how Trump uses fake humor. Link here:
As soon as I read the title, I immediately thought about humor gone wrong during the Chris Rock-Will Smith event. You are spot on. I feel that humor is always a positive addition but the subjective nature of how we receive humor and our perception of what we hear, dictate whether we laugh or strike. I know people who are natural comedians with the right words and timing and everything that comes out of their mouths is like laughter gold and I know people who use sarcasm and it’s hilarious. As you mentioned, certain topics may have sensitivity issues and it is tricky to get your humor to be received as humor if you don’t know what can trigger old unhealed traumas in any individual. I loved this article. It us so relevant at this time when we need to loosen up a bit when there is so much out there to stress us out.