But I didn't mean it that way!

Here’s another one of my favorite. I hope you find it useful in this time of difficult conversations.

I think many of us have had the experience of someone taking what we said the wrong way. Or was it the wrong way? Maybe we actually did mean it on some level. I want to explore this complicated, messy topic from a number of different perspectives and how it can help us have more productive conversations.

When I took anti-racism training last summer, the trainers insisted that intent didn’t matter. If a person was upset by what was said, that’s all that mattered. But intent does matter. We humans have totally different emotional responses to people who say or do things maliciously or unintentionally. The punishment in law is often different based on intent. For example, the difference between manslaughter and murder is intent. So, intent should matter.

But they do have a point, in that many of us do or say things that hurt another person unintentionally because we (almost all of us) hold unconscious bias towards those of another race or group. Plus, we’re often unaware of how the things we do and say are perceived. So, intent shouldn’t be an excuse either.

If you’re trying to communicate something, you have a responsibility to ensure that what you want to convey is actually understood. Once you know you unintentionally hurt someone, you have a responsibility to change that behavior. Lack of intent shouldn’t keep you from changing so that you don’t give offense in the future.

But it’s not just about your intent or your delivery. Remember, the listener’s experience and background are also influencing what they hear. Sometimes the listener may seem oversensitive, perhaps overreacting, because of a traumatic event in the past. Even if that is the case, you still don’t get a pass on future behavior. Yes, you didn’t intend it, and probably aren’t really responsible for the hurt. But you still need to change your behavior to avoid hurting traumatized people in the future.     

Let me share an example from my life. Someone recently told me that they felt hurt by something I said. I know I didn’t mean it the way they interpreted it, and they acknowledged that their interpretation was shaped by previous trauma and that they were probably oversensitive because of that trauma. I can hope that they get healing from the trauma, but I can’t force them to heal. That’s up to them. They may never get over their trauma. But, if I want to mend that relationship, I need to respect their lack of healing and commit to doing everything I can to avoid triggering it in days to come.

That’s a way to mend a relationship. 

If you want to hear more tips on how to heal a contentious relationship, subscribe.