A reader asks for help

Dear Karen,

Dear Karen,

I’ve read your book and have been reading this newsletter. I decided to use your ideas in a conversation the other day for the first time. It didn’t go well. Is it possible that there are just some people that we can’t talk to?

Here’s the situation:

I started a conversation with a neighbor I didn’t know well. He was talking about all the planes overhead (I hadn’t noticed them) that were bringing a bunch of Afghan refugees. I asked why that was a problem. He got really angry. He said that this country was built by white people and it should stay white. He threw in a comment about women — that women wouldn’t be happy until they did what men said. (He said that to me, and I am a woman!) He went on and on. I tried asking questions and listening just like you recommend. I even tried to find something to affirm, but I couldn’t!

He made various accusations, insisted that there were only two sides and that everyone had to agree with him.  During the conversation, he threw a bunch of F-bombs and finally ended up physically throwing things. I gather he had had at least 4 beers, maybe that was part of it. I finally just walked away.

What went wrong?  Was it something I did or he is just someone I will never be able to talk to?

Signed

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

Kudos to you for trying!  This is hard work!  You should celebrate your willingness to try and to take a chance.

Reading this from a distance, I see a number of red flags in this conversation. The anger, the alcohol and the abuse — whether verbal or physical — are all signals that a conversation won’t go well. If this was me and I was on the top of my game, I would have walked away as soon as I realized any of those things.

Here’s a link to my previous newsletter about how to know whether this is a safe person and whether the environment is safe. I use the mnemonic HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired) to help me remember the triggers that make people overreact.

Anger is a tricky trigger. Because these issues are so contentious, you may never encounter certain people when they aren’t angry. And if this is a person who’s important to you, then you may need to have the conversation even if they are angry. I found one source that says that naming an emotion can bring the conversation down in tone immediately.  I will be digging into his recommendation more and will write a newsletter later about his technique soon. If you haven’t already subscribed, do so, so you won’t miss that one.

It might be that the question you started with (why is that a problem?) was a trigger. It has an undertone of “I don’t agree with you.”  Instead of stating up front that you don’t agree, it is better to start with a question that reflects real curiosity (as I wrote about earlier). One very useful all-purpose question that Adam Grant recommends in his book, “Think Again,” is, “I’m really curious to understand more about what you think about (issue). Can you explain it to me?”  

But, I wouldn’t say that you would never be able to talk to him. I think most people can be talked to in the right situation. In another situation, where this person hadn’t been so angry to start out with or wasn’t drinking, perhaps he might have not gotten verbally abusive and might have been open to a civil conversation. After all, if Black musician Daryl Davis can become friends with the Imperial Grand Wizard of the Maryland KKK, then I think there is hope. Davis says the key is communication to get over the fear, and he has convinced over 200 KKK members to leave over the years.  Checkout Daryl’s youtube video.  

One of the keys I haven’t talked about much is practice. This was your first time! Give yourself a break.  It will get easier the more you try it. Baby steps are the way change happens.   

And you don’t have to just practice with people you find difficult. Find a group of people who are on the same journey and practice with them. Do role playing where you each take turns practicing these techniques. Be sure to take a turn as someone you disagree with — that will help you get insight into their heads and will especially help you find something to affirm.

And of course, I recommend affirming the value underlying the comments, as I talk about in this newsletter and in my book, “Persuade, Don’t Preach: Restoring Civility Across the Political Divide.” In this case, it sounds like one of his values is belonging and the pride he feels in our nation. You might have been able to use that.

If you have a situation you’d like help with, please email me. Also, I’d love to hear about the successes and the failures you have in applying these ideas, so that we can all learn from them.